A plea to Barry Bonds

Dear Barry,


I was great to see you last weekend. I know things haven't been great between us in the past, but I can change, we can make this work. The truth is, baseball needs you Barry. I need you. I miss never missing one of your at-bats because I am equal parts a huge fan and disgusted by what you have done. Every good story needs its heroes and its villains and the 2008 season is turning into one sappy Disney movie. We have a comeback player of the year looking like he may win AL MVP, the Rays (yeah those Rays) are probably going to win the east, the Cubs may actually win the world series, the Yankees are terrible, and Curt Schilling is hurt. Even the White Sox picked up Jr and are becoming much harder to root against. I think I am going to be sick. You see, baseball needs its villains - Yanks, Schilling, steroids, you, etc.

So in the spirit of bringing back my Lex Luther for the good of baseball I have devised a fool-proof plan to ensure you are in a uniform next season: wearing 9 tons of body armor and driving Bud Selig crazy every step of the way. Follow these steps and I ensure you one someone will suddenly need a left-handed DH with power and a 0.500 obp.

Step 1 - Apologize directly and unequivocally. Apologize for everything. Steroids, cheating, ruining children's lives, the high gas prices, the Kennedy assassination.... People just want to see you be humble. Once you apologize, never speak of it again and go back to being your cocky self.

Step 2 - Grow a mustache. And I am not talking about some tiny little manicured piece of facial hair. This needs to be out of control. People love mustaches and no one can be mad at a guy with one - see Jason Giambi.

Step 3 - Show up everywhere. Show up to game in Pittsburgh - sign autographs, thank the fans for all the memories. Show up in Detroit to see Leyland. Show up in Philly, ok bad idea there. Make the rounds of your own personally PR tour. Shake hands, kiss babies, etc.

Step 4 - This may the most important step of all - get a self-deprecating commercial or bit on SNL. We have to see that not only are you sorry, but have some humility as well. Maybe a weekend update with a "really" bit where you can drop in. Laugh it up, the jokes on you.

Follow my plan Barry and I assure we can go back to the way things once were. 29 teams rooting against you on the outside (and cheering for you on the inside) and the 1 team you play for pretending you body naturally changed shape over the years. Best of luck Barry, hope we will be seeing you soon.

Sincerely,
No Run Support